stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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