His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
