508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
