She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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