Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
