i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
