I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
