rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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