When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
