I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
