I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
