Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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