first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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