I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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