I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
