the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
