in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
