There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
