The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
