I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
