): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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