I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
