i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
