My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
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So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
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You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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