I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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