i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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