Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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