If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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