bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
