Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
