Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
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looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
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Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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