I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
