I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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