you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Randomize
