she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
