At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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