I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
