I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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