I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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