Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
