the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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