I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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