gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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