her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
