I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
