tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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