I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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