Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
