i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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