I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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