We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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