Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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