If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She's the barista slut.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.