And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
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i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
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I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.