I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
